Even before the boys were born, I already knew I was going to go back to work after my 1 year maternity leave was over. We talked about it as a family and financially we knew it was something that I needed to do. Aside from that, I knew that I needed that time for myself where I can be away from the boys for a short period of time - so I can recharge and evaluate myself as a mother and wife. I knew it would be a difficult adjustment, from being na full time stay-at-home mom to working part-time. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I never imagined I would feel this way. Today is my third day at work and by far the hardest (and to imagine there would be days that are harder scares me). And I think it is primarily because aside from the guilt of hearing your babies cry because they want you to hold them, but you can't because you have to get ready for work - I also have to deal with my own issues about feeling that I don't get the support that I think I need. And I'm saying it's my issue because other people's actions and words are beyond my control, and I can't pass them the burden of "making me feel better about myself" - somehow, I need to find that myself. I need to figure out on my own that despite being away from the boys, that does not make me a bad or inadequate mother. And I think, that is the most challenging part of this journey, to find that peace in myself, that I am doing the best that I can and I am enough. I am enough for my boys and my family, no matter what the circumstances or other people might make me feel.
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April 2017
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